Unity of Mind-Heart-Action

What is present-moment awareness?   It is being attuned to the Unity of Life while also being attuned to the unique individual that is “you”.  It is feeling the expansion of the possible while accepting the contraction of limitation.  It is accepting the unknown of the infinite and eternal while moving through concrete, tangible experiences (—do we ever really know what our actions mean?).   Present- moment awareness requires that we be open to what might be while living in what is.  That which is before us—the person we interact with, the food we eat, the keyboard on which we type—all of the little actions we take comprise each present moment and link us to the Unity of Life, the infinite, the eternal; every action, every word, every thought carries with it a resonance that reaches to all life, interacting, interweaving, enfolding, unfolding.

Why should we care about present-moment awareness?  We can talk of Love, we can talk of Peace, we can talk of letting go, relaxing, going with the flow.  We can talk of acceptance, we can talk of giving, and we can talk of caring-for, understanding and encouraging…but if we do not have these things…or, rather, if we do not think that we have these things…how can we give them? How can we share them? How can we act in accordance with our words?  When we cultivate present moment awareness, we live in that space in the center of our mind (which brings us understanding, articulation), our heart- (which connects us with others, with the infinite), and our actions (the movement and expression of the combination of these energies).

When we live in that space, boundaries (us/them/other) fade and soften allowing recognition and familiarity; we become more open to that which we might otherwise push away, resist: we accept, and as we learn to accept, we open to love…and as we open to love we experience peace…and when we experience peace, we can relax and encourage and care-for.  We can give what we have and in the giving prove to ourselves that it is ours for the giving; for when we give love and peace and acceptance, we share and we retain, so there is always more to give.

How do I practice present-moment awareness?   There are many, many answers to this question, and ultimately the answer you find for yourself is the only one that matters.  Some people use meditation, some use prayer, some play sports, or garden, or drive very fast.  For this though, I would like to address present moment awareness by suggesting remaining in the center between mind, heart, and actions through listening and waiting.

“The Center”

Thoughts move through our minds at lightning speed.  We have hundreds of thousands of thoughts every day.  The mind never rests; even when we are sleeping, the mind is busy with activity.  This is just the nature of the mind. It processes all of the sensations we receive through our senses and breaks them down into pieces and bits.  Thoughts bring us information and understanding of our external experience.  Noticing these thoughts can be a bit overwhelming, because there are so many—many meditations that seek to “quiet the mind” through stillness, single-point focus, or through simply being aware of all of the thoughts that enter the mind and letting them go.

Another option is listening.   Listening is not about quieting the mind.  It is not about asking the mind to stop doing what it does; rather, it is about focusing on the movements of the heart, while also noticing thoughts.  Have you ever tried to eat less oily food,  less sugar, or fewer carbohydrates?  If you focus on eliminating the things you are trying to eat less of, they taunt you with cravings.  If instead, you focus on eating more fruit or more vegetables, you will find that you naturally eat less of the oily, fatty, sugar-carbohydrates that you are eliminating.  Listening is like that.  Instead of attempting to slow down your thoughts, simply increase your awareness of the movements of the heart; as you listen to the heart, you will begin to notice your thoughts balancing and allowing space for those movements.  (I call the heart-voice “movement” because it is not quite thought, not quite emotion, but more like a ripple, a breeze, a subtle shift.)

So, now we have daily thoughts, the action of mind, brought together with listening with the heart. Now what?

Now we think about action.  Action is the expression of our inner life through our outer life.  Everything we do reflects our inner-state.  The more aligned we are with our inner state in every moment, the more our actions become congruent with that unity and alignment.

All too often we run around life following only the direction of our thoughts. This really does make sense—our thoughts process our sensory-input, we have lots of sensory input when we act, we follow the thoughts that arise from the actions, so we act more, get more sensory input, which gets processed and tells us to act and we act some more… you get the picture!  In these actions of many people’s lives, there are pre-set, predictable actions: wake up at 6 am, leave for work by 7, arrive to work by 8, take lunch at noon, etc.  Within that there are the regular grocery store trips, the kids’ games, or music lessons, walking the dog.  But always, many daily actions are decided by default.

Sometimes we are in a cycle of action based solely on the thoughts that arise through all of that sensory input.  And we don’t know any better—this is “how life goes”.

This is why the practice of waiting becomes important.    Waiting allows a space for the movement of the heart to direct our action, rather than the mind.  This can be very unnerving for people who are so accustomed to acting according to thoughts.  In waiting, one must continue moving through life (now I am brushing my teeth, now I am pouring juice, now I am unlocking my car), but also be ready to respond to the direction of the heart—this is remaining at the center between heart-mind -action.

There are two ways that one can respond to the direction of the heart—either physically through the motion/movement of our bodies, or through our attitude, our thoughts, and our internal disposition.  Always listening and waiting for the heart’s direction  we may drive a different route to work, stop unexpectedly for coffee, slow down and open the door for someone—and if we are taking these actions because we have been listening to the movement of the heart, then each action becomes an expression of a higher unity.

Sometimes, however, there is no action to take. Sometimes there is simply an attitude to express—this person needs love, that person needs a kindness, this other person needs understanding.  These small things may be just the thing those people need in that moment and when we allow ourselves to be attuned to the movements and the quiet direction of the heart, all of our actions; all of our attitudes offer a gift to ourselves and to humanity. The wonder of life is that it always seeks expression, and the possibilities for this are infinite.  We never really know how our actions impact another—all we can do is strive to offer our highest selves through attitude, thoughts, and actions to all people in every situation.  Aligning our actions with our mind and heart, through listening and waiting, we may not understand why we may act a certain way, or say a certain thing, but we can assure ourselves that we strive toward unity and peace in all we say and do, bringing greater light into our own and others’ lives.

A Journey of Worth Audio

WithPearls Journey of Worth© audio created by Susan Billmaier, PhD for Susanwithpearls, all rights reserved.

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Journey of Purpose Audio

WithPearls Journey of Purpose © audio created by Susan Billmaier, PhD for Susanwithpearls, all rights reserved.

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Journey of the Heart Audio

Journey of the Heart © audio created by Brad Vanlandingham for Susanwithpearls, all rights reserved.

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Phases Of Consciousness Development

This link will take you to an excerpt of The Superbeings by John Randolph Price, in which he outlines what are–in his opinion–the stages that consciousness moves through as it evolves and ultimately merges with the One Power, Intelligence, Source.

Superbeings Excerpt-12 Phases of Consciousness

Purity

If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear as it is: infinite.  William Blake

Photo by Brad Vanlandingham

A Journey with Fire

I met Leonard Orr in June 1994 and was introduced to rebirthing, spiritual practices, physical immortality, mantra, and Babaji, all of which continue to be keystones in my ongoing spiritual journey. I’ve always been a very disciplined person, but these tools and concepts gave me what I felt was a deeper purpose.

I seemed to understand inherently that the conscious use of earth, air, water, fire, mantra, prayer, and high-quality thoughts profoundly opened and healed my mind-body-soul. Previously, I had been doing the practices my whole life–taking long baths, deep breathing, camping with fire, thinking healing thoughts, and praying to God–but until I met Leonard, they were without a context or conscious awareness. Leonard gave me structure, context, and a way to bring the practices together for their deep, efficient, and interactive power.

At that time, now almost 24 years ago, the main lesson for me was just do the practices. The practices themselves are transformative. Just do them.

With Leonard’s relaxed, non-judgmental style, and his philosophy of laziness, I felt like I could put my critical mind on silent mode, not worry about doing it “right”, not think about what I was “supposed to accomplish”, and let go of trying to “achieve” something. Not that I knew, anyway, what I was trying to achieve. This beginning has served me well as I have grown in doing the practices.

Interacting with the practices consciously means that there is a greater level of awareness and understanding that I bring to my practices. But this also means more involvement of my mind, which can lead to a higher volume–both in quantity and decibel level–of my critical, judgmental, or fearful thoughts about doing it “right”, “succeeding”, or “achieving”.

The first principle of doing the practices is: just do the practices. Set the mind aside and just do the practices. I return to this principle again and again as my practices develop. In this article, I’ll show you how this applies regarding a practice of fire.

I began doing fire that summer in 1994, the Leonard Orr way. I sat with fire. I slept with fire. At first I did these weekly, then daily. This continued for about 6 months. There was no goal, nothing to do other than be with the fire.

One thing that Leonard used to say was let the fire teach you of itself. In other words, the fire has qualities that you cannot understand from your own point of view. You must allow the fire to be what it is, to affect you in all of your bodies; just listen and feel and release and allow.

Leonard would mention fire ceremonies in passing, so I knew such a thing as ceremonies existed, but I felt like it was nonchalant, without great import or impact. I was focused on just doing fire the Leonard Orr way.

I found that fire worked, exactly as Leonard describes. After sitting or sleeping with fire, I felt lighter, lifted, loved. There was one night that is etched in my memory. I slept with fire but was half-conscious the entire night, as I felt the fire loving me. It enveloped me, interlacing with my energies, loving me in Peace, loving me in Beauty, loving me in Love. I woke up with new life, in every sense.

When my time with Leonard came to an end, my fire practice dwindled then died. I didn’t live in places that had a fireplace, I didn’t have access to outdoor fire pits, and sleeping with candles was either too dangerous or just plain impractical.

But I wasn’t concerned– I was keeping up with my other practices of bathing, breathing, fasting, and mantra. These would have to do, though I did miss fire. There were times when I could feel heaviness in my body/aura that I knew the fire could just burn away, but as I said, I didn’t have the facilities to do fire. I would light candles as much as I could. I didn’t have the mental motivation to figure out doing more than that.

Now, after almost 24 years of doing the practices, I am convinced the practices lead me. They nudge me. They call to me. Sometimes when I am being particularly belligerent, they shout at me and shove me, always for my benefit, always for cleansing or healing, always for deeper connection with My Soul, with God.

After 23 years of near-absence, fire called to me.

It was late summer of 2016 and somehow, for some reason, I found information on the Agni Hotra ceremony, the brief ceremony done at sunrise and sunset. Immediately I was possessed and obsessed. This was the answer! A way to do fire that only required a small copper vessel, some dung, and a small amount of time! This I could do and make time for in my busy life. I purchased the materials online, downloaded the sunrise-sunset times for my location, wrote out and listened to the mantras. I was ready!

There is something about innocent zeal and naivety that is very powerful, I have found. The first Agni Hotra ceremony I did, I was so innocent and naïve! I had no clue what I was doing, but I was just so happy to be doing it! The energetic power of that ceremony was palpable. I could feel the fire in those brief moments at Sunrise healing the space around me, infusing the birds, the trees, the Earth, the air, in my entire neighborhood.

After that first experience my mind got involved and the innocence was gone. Now I knew what I was “supposed” to do, what I was “supposed to affect”. I had to do it “right”. I had to “achieve” and “accomplish” that same level of energetic power each time, now that I knew I could. Right?

The Agni Hotra was a huge leap for me from the Leonard Orr way. It felt like I went from a very relaxed, take-it-as-it-comes relationship with fire and hurled into a rigid structure with so many expectations.

Of course, the rigid structure and expectations were in my mind, not the ceremony. But the ceremony reflected back to me those confining thoughts. The ceremonies became very difficult to do. Very often I could not get the fire lit in time for exactly sunrise or sunset. Sometimes the matches didn’t stay lit. Sometimes the dung I used to light the firewood snuffed itself out. Sometimes I would light the fire and it would just snuff out. Timing is everything in Agni Hotra and I was missing it.

All the while, over the course of weeks, I returned mentally to just do the practice. So I continued. But how could I do the practice when I failed so often at doing the practice? The volume of my self-criticism, failure, inadequate, increased. And the ceremonies became even harder.

I did have some successes getting the fire lit and doing the mantras. But even these felt empty since I was comparing them to that first time. “I must not be doing it right”… and on it went into my mind’s downward spiral of not good-enough-inadequate-self-criticism.

In the meantime, summer had turned to fall; the mornings were dark and cold and my mental motivation receded. I felt disappointed in myself. I knew I wanted to do fire but this was just not working for me. So I stopped. It was better to stop, and quiet those self-effacing thoughts rather than continue with something that brought them to the fore with no resolution.

What I did have, however, out of that experience, was a very solid knowing that I wanted to do fire.

I would find a way.

I’m not sure how I found out about homas, but they seemed like a less-rigid Agni Hotra, also done in a small copper vessel. The next step is a bit of a blur. Somehow once I first discovered homas, I began researching, finding everything I could about them.

The information I found on the internet about homas was mostly written by Hindus, for people intrinsically familiar with that culture. While I am not a stranger to Sanskrit, Sanatan Dharma, or a lot of Hindu concepts, the information felt overwhelming and confusing. There were so many instructions! So many ingredients! So much preparation! So many words and concepts that I was unfamiliar with (I didn’t at that time even know the words “samagri” or “supari”)!

But as I said, I would find a way. I was determined.

Around the same period of time, I contacted Marge DeVivo to learn Jarrah.

Marge sent me the 34-page booklet to do the Haidakhan-style fire ceremony. I read it and felt as overwhelmed and confused as I had with my internet research. I asked Marge for a simplified version, which she wrote up for me. I still felt overwhelmed and confused! I had to do it “right”, right? But I had so many questions. After the Agni Hotra experience I had so many insecurities and self-criticisms. How could I even begin to do a sacred ceremony for, or with, Babaji no less?

So I took a breath and a step back.

I want to do fire. I am committed to doing fire.

Just do the practices. Let the practices lead you.

 What do I know?

1. Sincerity is important. I know that approaching God open empty and sincerely matter more than ritual forms and structures.
2. Babaji has conveyed the value and importance of the Gayatri Mantra, the Mrityunjaya Mantra, and the Shanti Mantra…and I know these mantras.
3. Swaha, meaning I offer to you or this belongs to you, is an important aspect of offering to the fire.
4. Invoking Ganesh at the beginning is important.
5. I want to invoke Kal Bhairav.
6. I want to convey, through the fire ceremony, my devotion and commitment to God, reinforcing the mundan ceremony.
7. Having the kund face east matters, but I don’t know why
8. It’s important to bathe before a fire ceremony.
9. The fire should always be lit with dung or incense, and paper should never be used in the fire
10. I need to have pictures or statues of divine aspects I’m offering to.

These became the first guidelines for doing the ceremony.

What do I have?

1. I have a very small space on my back porch where I can sit with the kund.
2. I have dung and wood.
3. I have rice, ghee, blessed water, and incense.
4. I have appropriate pictures and statues.

I made all of this acceptable for the space, atmosphere, and performance of the ceremony.

What can I do?

I can use what I know and what I have to begin.

And I made a decision. I will begin. I will do the practice to the best of my ability. I will forgive myself for any mistakes. I will approach with sincerity. I will begin, allow the practice to lead me, and I will evolve.

Fortunately, I live in an area with a large Hindu population. So all I had to do was run down to my local Indian grocer to buy a kund, samagri, supari nuts, and camphor.

A quick aside:  when I went to the store for the kund, I had not decided to perform a mundan ceremony. It had been lingering in the recesses of my mind for several weeks, but I was not actively thinking about it. In the strip mall where the Indian grocer was located, there was also a sari store. I was uncharacteristically drawn in by the colors in the window. I ended up, very uncharacteristically, buying a punjabi. Within a few days, it became clear to me that I would be doing a mundan ceremony, that the Punjabi I bought would be my “ceremonial garment”, and that as I continued to shave my head for the nine months following the ceremony, I would be doing fire ceremonies as part of that commitment. In linear time, the pieces came out of sequence, but they all fell into place in perfect Unity.

I’ve now been doing small fire ceremonies in my copper kund for about 6 months every third day, corresponding to shaving my head. Some of Marge’s words inspire me: “Your personal, close relationship to the fire is important; Talk to the fire and it replies– listen and it speaks.”

As I mentioned all of the information I had read about doing the ceremonies felt overwhelming and confusing. Of course, I had to simplify. Here is the rough outline for how I have simplified, using what I know and what I have.

1. build the fire in the kund with sticks and dung and light it with dung, camphor, or incense.
2. sprinkle blessed water around the kund, clockwise 3 times, while saying Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha three times for each clockwise circle (so a total of 9 times for the mantra)
3. say the Kal Bairav Gayatri Mantra 3 times with “swaha”, offering a supari nut at the end which symbolizes the release of ego
4. say the Gayatri Mantra, the Mrityunjaya Mantra, and the Shanti Mantra each three times, ending in swaha and offering rice, ghee, or samagri to the fire with each swaha.
5. If the fire seems to be going fairly strongly, though often it is about to go out after the above, I simply say a name-mantra for each god or goddess present, 1 to 3 times each with swaha and offerings
   1. “Om Babaji Namah, swaha”
   2. “Om Lakshmayai Namah, swaha”
   3. “Om Jai, Jesus Christ, Namah, swaha”
   4. “Om Earth Mother Namah, swaha”
   5. “Om Kuan Yin Namah swaha”
   6. Et cetera
6. Sometimes I just add prayers from the heart.
7. I end with my mundan commitment prayer, three times. “May my life force be a vehicle through which God my enter the world to love and serve all life, swaha”

This has been enough, even though it’s not technically right. There have been tears, many, many Tears, which I also offer to the fire. A lot of my feelings of inadequacy about doing fire have come up and been released and resolved; I only know this, because I don’t really feel it anymore. But I don’t feel transformed either. I can’t say that I know or understand what the fire is doing. What I do know is that my life feels enriched and fulfilled. I have not experienced the power that I felt in that first agni hotra, and I have not felt the love that I felt that night sleeping with fire. So far my experience with the homa is very subtle I just know it’s right, that it’s working, and that I continue to be lead.

I also continue to strive to evolve. I’ve been aware of my shortcomings. My porch is not always cleaned and prepped. I don’t always do the fire at an appropriate time before 11 a.m. Sometimes I disturb the fire to keep it from going out. Sometimes I feel tired and uninvolved, and therefore feel like I’m being disrespectful. Sometimes I forget to honor Ganesh first. Sometimes I feel like I’m not approaching with an open heart and mind. Sometimes I lose count of how many mantras I’ve done, even if I’m only doing three!

But I remember Leonard’s relaxed, non-judgmental style and I let it all go, knowing I will evolve just by doing the practice.

My experience doing the Leonard Orr style, then doing the contrast of that with the agni hotra, prepared me to be more forgiving of my shortcomings. I stand before God as Fire and say basically I’m here. I know I’m not perfect. I know I’m not doing this perfectly. But I’m here, and I want to honor you and serve you as best I can. Just that. Just here. Just now.

I’m currently on the verge of an evolution in my fire practice. Remember I said that the fire ceremony from Marge felt overwhelming and confusing? I looked at it again this past week and I’m happy to report that I understood it. It is no longer something foreign and unmanageable. It is now something that I think I can do.

I am now slowly shifting from my beginner’s fire ceremony that I’ve been doing for the last 6 months to a “more correct”, more detailed ceremony that follows the outline Marge presents.

I’ve just begun. But it’s a new beginning and a beginning that would not have been possible without my beginning 23 years ago, 18 months ago, or six months ago. Just begin. However you can, do the best you can and let the practices lead you.

 

Three Styles for “Doing Fire”: A Review

In this current historical time, fire may be the most elusive and alien element for current humanity to understand. It is all around us, yet we barely acknowledge its presence: a spark of combustion ignites mechanical engines; electricity surges through our homes and powers our communication devices; gas or electric stoves heat our food. Fire is everywhere around us, unrecognized as the Divine Element it is, remaining foreign to us as an expression of the Divine Power it is.

A conscious relationship with fire, as a conscious relationship with all the elements, invites its divine energy and power into our lives. Yet, when our relationship with the elements is unconscious, the elements respond to our unconscious thoughts. The current state of humanity’s mind-set is one of lots of unconscious thoughts that are lonely, angry, hostile, violent. The elements respond to these thoughts through the environment.

As Marge DeVivo puts it:

The most important point to be made with Fire Purification is this: (in a natural world, where fires are not set by people with intention to harm others). If enough people would consciously choose to do regular fire purification, it would eliminate the wildfires and destruction through fire that we see so often.  Energy bodies get overloaded (mostly with anger/rage) and then the fires rage. The fire burns up the rage.  It allows for clearing things out so they start again fresh and new.

Since we are responsible only for our own sweet selves, we can take responsibility for our own anger/rage and transmute it through these fire purification methods, plus teach others about it so more souls will do the same, for the good of all humanity.

It is the nature of the elements to purify energies that are not aligned with their (and our) Divine Being. The destruction we are seeing with the elements in the world, is a large-scale purification.

We can temper the “destruction” of the purification process by changing our relationship to the elements through our personal relationship with them in our lives.

Here is a review of three options to “do fire” in your life, to increase your relationship to it and consciousness regarding it every day.

Option 1, “The Leonard Orr”.

This way of doing fire is the most simple of the three: build a fire and sit next to it, sleep with it, just hang out. The source can be gas, wood, candles (see note below for a candle holder made for this purpose), just about anything (though the experience changes with the type and amount of fuel).  Doing mantra also adds to the experience (as it does with everything!).

Pros: Very easy. No thought involved. May be done at any time. The fire does all the work, and you gain the benefits. There is always the option of bringing greater intention (or not) to this practice.

Cons: Requires a fire pit, fire place, or several candles. Requires more time than the other options: at least an hour, but more is better. Requires careful attentiveness to fire-safety and proper extinguishing.

Option 2: The Homa

The Homa is a fire ceremony, using a square, copper vessel (“kund”) or a large constructed fire pit (“dhuni”) and making offerings (food, incense) with accompanying mantras.  It differs from The Leonard Orr because it has structured content, and differs from Option 3, The Agni Hotra, which has a greater degree of precision. The Homa can range from very simple to very complex—the Haidakhan Fire Ceremony that Marge does is very structured and elaborate. However, in its simpler forms, the Homa offers a sort of “Middle Way” between the other two of doing fire.

There are many different types and styles of Homa ceremonies. Often, they can be very complex and intricate, with detailed instructions about what exactly to do and when to do it. This type of precision comes to us through generations and generations of Hindu Brahmins, following the teachings of the Vedas. But, also through those generations, the original instructions and structures have been adapted to the various sects and the needs of the time.

Adaptablity and flexibility characterize this method of doing fire. The ceremony can be personalized to fit a personality, an occasion, a commitment, or a personal spiritual practice. There are certain suggested principles to be followed, like which mantras to use, using the kund, using only dung or wood as fuel, having only copper contain the offerings, and using dung and ghee to light the fire, etc., but even these things are really just form and structures—and if a form or structure is going to get in the way of your relationship with God as Fire, abandon the form or structure, approach with sincerity and reverence, and  build a relationship with God as Fire as best you can with what you have at any given moment.

Pros: Adaptive and forgiving (you can’t “do it wrong” when the approach is sincere), takes a short time (from 20-40 minutes), can be structured simply, so it’s easy to follow and build a more-conscious relationship to God as Fire through invocation and mantras (unlike The Leonard Orr).

Cons: Requires some special tools: kund, ghee, incense, wooden matches, possibly dung. Requires  knowledge of mantras or access to recordings of mantras. Requires a willingness to be intentional and structured in a method (which may require some investigation, learning, and experimentation). Requires a private space (backyard, garage, home fireplace, etc.)

Option 3: Agni Hotra

Agni Hotra is a fire ceremony performed precisely at sunrise and sunset, using very specific mantras and offering specific substances (organic rice and ghee) to the fire. Like the Homa, it uses a square copper vessel. Unlike the Homa, dung must be used (no wood).

Pros: Very quick—only about 5-10 minutes, with the sunrise or sunset. Easy, once you get the hang of it (see cons).

Cons: Requires precise timing for building the fire and getting it lit at exactly sunrise or sunset, which is not as easy as it sounds, in my experience. Requires an app or other resource to know exactly when sunrise/sunset occurs at your location.  Requires dung, the kund, and the organic offerings. Requires a private space (backyard, garage, home fireplace, etc.)

I have explored all three of these options and in my next article, I’ll describe my own journey so far “doing fire”. Each of option is very powerful. All of them clear energy. All of them raise your consciousness regarding your relationship with God as Fire. Each does have unique characteristics and qualities, and I encourage you to explore all three options to see how they affect you, and to discover which one feels best for you. If you’re not certain how to start, begin with a simple candle and watch the flame for a bit of time each day. Let the fire lead you.

If you have any questions at all or if you want some encouragement just to start, let Marge or me know.

Resources:

Peggy Santangelo makes candle-holders that are safe for sleeping with the candles. She can be contacted through her website: https://www.sacredhealingart.net/

Leonard Orr’s book Fire gives his experiences with fire: http://www.leonardorrbooks.com/product/fire/

A comprehensive website on doing the Agni Hotra: http://www.agnihotra.org/

Simple Fire Ceremony, it’s all about intention.

My fire ceremony set-up is modest, yet earnest. A collection of re-purposed condiment and coconut oil jars and old votive-candle containers hold the items to be given to the fire:  rice, samagri, sandalwood powder, ghee, supari nuts, and blessed water. All the items are kept in a roll top desk that used to be my grandmother’s.  I keep squares of dung in one drawer (for under the camphor) and strips of dung in another drawer for lighting the camphor.

My Grandma’s rolltop desk has become the sacristy for the ceremonial objects and offerings.

It may sound disrespectful to keep dung in a roll top desk that used to be my grandmothers, but, as the dung, and all the items, are blessed, sacred, and to be used for a Divine ritual, I decided it was OK. Besides, every time I prepare the materials for the fire, I feel as though I am attuning myself to my maternal ancestors on my father’s side through the desk. I have been learning the energy of the Divine Mother, and welcome any opportunity to gain more insight.

The havan kund sits across from the desk on a makeshift alter—old floor tiles and fire bricks, sitting on top of an old table, with a few items to represent the Divine.

There is nothing fancy here, not like I see in pictures, or in my imagination.

When I first organized my set up this past June, I wanted—wished for—it to be perfect. I wanted beautiful rugs to sit on, an alter with flowers, crystals, mandalas, yantras… I wanted the havan kund to sit on a beautiful textile, surrounded with similar beautiful things as well as beautifully framed pictures. I wanted the set up to be a visible acknowledgement of the gratitude and sincerity I feel about being given the gift of doing fire ceremonies.

It may no be perfect, but it works.

It was not long in preparing my set up that I knew my ideal was not to be. The reality is that the only place for me, in suburban New Jersey, to have the privacy for doing a fire ceremony is my dilapidated old porch, with an old curtain hung up so the fire does not attract the attention of the neighbors, with an old table as my alter and roll top desk to keep my supplies.

It’s enough.

If I’ve learned anything since doing the fire ceremonies every third day since June 12, I’ve learned that gratitude, devotion, and sincerity adorn the ceremony better than yantras, crystals, or gilded frames ever could.

So often, I approach the ceremony thinking things like, “I don’t know what I’m doing…am I doing this right?” (I’ve never been “formally trained”),  or “OK, what do I do? How do I do it? What comes first? What if I forget something important, and offend someone?”

There have been so many feelings of inadequacy, clumsiness, that I’m not good enough, that the presentation isn’t good enough,  that I’m not doing it “right” enough.

But I do it.

Every time, I just do it. Whatever I am, whatever I feel, whatever I can offer in that moment, I do so with as much gratitude and devotion as I am able to at that time.

I’ve found it’s not just enough. It’s perfect.